Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
