I could make wine with my vomit
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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