Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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