I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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