So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
