remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
