When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
