Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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