im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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