Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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