I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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