Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
