I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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