So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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