well I can't set my house on fire every night
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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