How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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