He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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