I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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