I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
