my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
