Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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