I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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