She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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