I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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