My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Text me some of your sweat
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
