I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
