So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
