I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
