babies were throwing up all over the place
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
