which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
