Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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