Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
