she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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