Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
