Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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