Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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