I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I hate all girls vehemently.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
