dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
