so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
