i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
