I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
