if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
