If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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