Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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