When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
