The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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