Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I wear drunk well.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
