woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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