its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
