This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
